Better self...?

I recently saw this quote and to be truthful had quite a reaction to it. To explain why I need to take you back about 5 years…

At the start of my journey into Motherhood I had someone, (a women I knew who had a young child), say to me…

“Just don’t lose yourself”.

 At the time I thought, “Err yeah dam right…I won’t change because I’m having a baby”.

Cut to around 7 months later. Ellie was just 4 months old and I immersed myself in all things Woman and Motherhood related, but that was for ME.

The get-togethers with an NCT group, (by the way I didn’t get into that… just went because these women knew the shit I was going through and there was cake…lots of cake), were, to be honest, painful for me. A group of intelligent women sitting around and talking about baby poo and moaning about their partners was not my scene. I left feeling less of myself and more drained with each interaction.

But not all were like this. A new mum herself had set up a group called ‘Mamas Collective’ (thank you Molly!)  which was for women like me who wanted to hear from other inspiring women/mums and network with other women who were creative, future thinkers and also mums.

I was one of the first to attend and remember looking around the room already feeling lifted just by the presence of these women. Most were looking to move into new careers, set up their own business (some through the inflexibility of going back to work; a story I would hear repeatedly over the next 5 years).

The speaker on that day was so inspiring and did a fantastic job of keeping the flow of her talk going, while the sounds of disgruntled newborns and toddlers chipped in throughout. At the end of the talk we all discussed the reasons we wanted to change our jobs/careers/lives.

Growing up I was frequently told I wasn’t clever; I couldn’t do things and there wasn’t any point in aiming high. I didn’t want that for my daughter and I spoke about how I wanted to show her that success looks different to everyone and giving things a go and working for what you want is a great thing to do. That you don’t have to work for others and you can achieve things regardless of what others may tell you.

Later that day I was on the old Facebook and noted a thread from the day. A fantastic shot of us all together with our children and then comments of support and praise for what a great day it had been. One comment however stated that she had felt upset by a comment someone had made. It had made her feel like a ‘bad’ mum and she clearly had been triggered by it.

Yup…my comment.

What followed was a backwards and forwards of me trying to explain my own story. But clearly, she was in her story. What I saw as inspiring and hopeful for my daughter, she took as a slight that she wasn’t doing all the things she wanted to and in turn letting her children down.

“If we want our children to be better versions of themselves. First WE must be better versions of OURSELVES”

On reading this quote this morning, it took me back to that day. I get the sentiment and mostly agree with it. However, to live a life where we are constantly trying to be a “better version of ourselves” is quite frankly bloody exhausting.

The reason I reacted to this, as that lady did to my comments that day? Right now I am definitely not a “better” version of myself. We are in the middle of a world wide pandemic and my business has been put through the ringer.

The last month, or week alone, is enough to drive most people to drink and drugs (don’t try codeine and wine people…it does NOT make you feel better. Mostly because you cant poo for 4 days.)

I have a virus I can’t shift, a possible slipped disc (so cant do all the dancing and yoga that keeps me joyful and sane). I had a screaming match with one of my colleagues and had to deal with unfortunately more negative messages and emails than I’ve ever had in the 5 years of running this business.

All while trying to keep the business going, the team happy and be a wife, friend, and mum.

So honestly…I’m not the best version of myself. Nor do I think I need to feel guilty when I lose patience or just want to hide in the toilet from my own family.

This time has definitely been a time for self-reflection and raised many things for me that I want to work on, most likely in therapy (once I can sit in a room with her again). But not because I want to be a “better” version of myself and not because I want my daughter to be a “better” version of herself. But because I want to be as happy as I can be, but also true, vulnerable and real. Because that’s what I want for my daughter. Especially when the world is falling apart.

Nikki Baillie

(Saturday 7th November 2020. Patiently waiting for Joe Biden to become President and for life to stop bearing the shit out of me… I live in hope)