maternal mental health week
Maternal Mental Health - My Story
Nikki's Story
I want to start by saying these are my personal experiences and thoughts. I am not a Doctor or claim to be any sort of expert. I am just speaking from the heart (disclaimer over ;D )
The last few year’s (mainly the year that shall not be named!) has brought so many challenges for us all. None more so than our Mental Health & Wellbeing. With this in mind I started to consider the times in my 45 years on this earth that I have felt most healthy (in body & mind) and realized there was one common theme.
Movement & Mental Health
I remember finding out I was pregnant with Ellie, and wanting to give my baby the best start possible. I had (as well as Stu) spent the last 12 months doing all we could to get as healthy as possible to conceive. We wanted to have a baby and threw ourselves into Zumba, Yoga, Cross fit and Eating healthy (well 80% of the time). After a very heartbreaking miscarriage, we tried again and got pregnant straight away.
Unfortunately this meant that when I got pregnant with Ellie, we didn’t feel like we could celebrate until we had that first scan. I remember going away for a friend's 30th and not drinking. As soon as I left the room everyone was asking Stu If I was pregnant. It was so hard because we just had to lie and felt fearful this pregnancy wouldn’t last either.
Once we had the scan and could feel a bit more confident everything was going to be okay, I wanted to make sure I was not only physically well, but mentally too. I had suffered with my Mental Health all my life and after going through the miscarriage, I felt anxious about the pregnancy. I was also in a very stressful job at the time and knew If I didn’t take care of myself it could lead to much darker times. I researched Pregnancy Yoga, Hypnobirthing, Mindfulness all in a bid to be ready for this baby (and get through this fucking awful job!) I literally used to sit on the bathroom floor at work crying. Over the years I had tried various ways to work through my mental health issues (Drugs, Courses, Counseling, CBT) I found Transactional Analysis and it saved my life (more on this later) and Physical Activity too, so I knew to get through pregnancy and motherhood I would need to prioritize my mental health. It's amazing how when you need to be healthy for someone else, for this life inside you; you are willing to do all it takes (even eating copious amounts of Dates!).
I had hoped to go straight back to teaching Zumba 12 weeks after giving birth. But once the baby arrives pretty much all your ideas of what you ‘think’ your life will be go out of the window. Taking care of a baby is a 24/7 job and you feel like taking care of yourself is no longer a priority or even possible. Daily binges on cake, many many cups of tea and a glass of wine each night became the norm. I remember having so much resentment for Stu; still heading off to Cross fit everyday as I sat, boobs out in front of the TV (Jesus how many episodes of Castle can one person watch?..it turns out about 457. And I’d like to point out I was breastfeeding…not just sat with my tits out). I knew there was no way of me going back to teaching Zumba so soon and I've never been one for solo sports. The health visitors would say to get out for a walk, but I remember in the days before I found babywearing I would pound the streets alone with the pushchair (and often in the rain) just wanting to cry. I felt so alone and so fed up. I didn’t fancy Mummy Boot Camps and more than anything just hoped that one day I might feel like me again.
Babywearing Dance
That's when I started teaching Babywearing Dance. After finding babywearing I just knew there had to be a way to bring the buzz I got from teaching Zumba and having your baby close that could make it work. That was the start of what you now all know as Dance Like a Mother. To be honest I had no idea If it would take off, I just knew I had to do it for my own mental wellbeing. It brought me back to myself. No longer just being called Mummy and so much laughter...so much Joy! After each class I felt lighter, happier and even less tired! Not only that, but the Mums in class started to tell me the same too. I knew how I loved the endorphins of dancing, and could see it helping others too.
Looking back, the times I have felt most happy, alive, joyful and relaxed have been when I've had Dance in my life, plus some Yoga for good measure. In October 2021 I badly hurt my knee, meaning I was unable to teach DLAM or Dance Fit or even do Yoga and I can honestly say it impacted me greatly. It took me a long time and lots of physio to recover, but the thing that was most definitely impacted was my mental health.
I know that I wasn’t the first or will be the last Mum to feel this way. So what about If you considered...just considered for a moment what movement, dancing, joy & connection might do for you?
What have you got to lose? No worries of people looking at you (trust me NO ONE is looking at you...they are all too busy with their own shit) and just women like you, welcoming you with open arms to come move to awesome tunes and be together. And yes we ALL look like dickheads…were all just joyful dickheads together!
My Top Tips for Mental Health & Wellbeing
Just start with one thing and take the leap...in fact just take one step towards being a happier & healthier you...mind, body & soul.
DANCE / MOVE
Yeah that was obvious. Did you know that moving with others has been proven to reduce stress, increase confidence, mood & connection. Oh and also boosts your immune system too! I read a fantastic book Burnout Book by Emily & Amelia Nagoski that has lots of fantastic ways to reduce stress and they stated in their studies and research that “ physical activity is the single most effective way to complete the stress cycle”. Simply put, when we are feeling stressed we are in fight or flight (or freeze) mode. When we were cave women If we saw a lion we would run away, hopefully get away and find somewhere safe. The action of running away to safety then tells our body and central nervous system that there is no longer a threat and we can relax. The problem is a crying baby, lack of sleep, money or relationship worries are not things you can exactly run away from! So our body needs a signal that the stress has gone. Plus chronic stress (where we are feeling stressed daily) builds up and can result in headaches, stomach issues, feeling tired and achy; amongst other things. So we need regular ways to complete the stress cycle. Moving your baby whether its at Dance Like a Mother, DLAM Dance Fit or just moving around in your kitchen to tunes that make you happy will reduce your body and minds response to stress and improve your mental health.
BREATHE
Taking time each day to focus on your breath, even just for a few minutes will help ground you, reduce stress & anxiety. It can be hard to not let your mind wander, but this is totally normal. There are loads of great apps available ( I use Smiling Mind App) to teach basics in Mindfulness. It's the same as training your body. It takes time and some days will feel easier than others. But with practice it will help you come back to the breath easier. We also start and end all our DLAM classes with breathing and DLAM Dance Fit with relaxation. It's super helpful also to help you wind down for sleep. I feel very lucky to be able to take part in regular breathwork days with the fantastic Sam & Miranda (just the most beautiful souls) at The Breath Connection where I have learnt breathing techniques and also got into cold water therapy! Just stopping and noticing the breath and slowing down, taking deeper breaths will calm the nervous system. Also helps to calm the baby (add a gentle sway side to side too and its magic for you both).
BEDTIME ROUTINE
What If we spent as much time thinking about our own bedtime routines, as we did our kids? A good night's sleep is vital in the functioning of our minds and bodies. I realize this is easier said than done with a baby. Babies are meant to wake in the night, which means we also have to. However, going to bed an hour earlier and creating a nice bedtime routine can really help us stay asleep longer and get quality sleep, even when we are being woken up. We also take turns getting up with Ellie, that way even If one of us has not had a good night's sleep, we get a little lie in If we need it. I like to go up between 9pm - 9.30pm. I then mindfully and slowly cleanse my face and give myself a nice facial massage with a gua sha stone and some facial oil. Nothing expensive, but it helps to relax the muscles in my face and feel calm before bed. I then pop on some relaxing tunes and stretch. I try not to judge my body or even think too much about how I move, I just breathe slowly and go with the flow. I then lie on the floor with my legs up on the bed (a really nice restorative pose to help relax the body) and focus on my breathing for a few minutes. I then get into bed with my hot water bottle (not a nickname for Stu) and either journal, read or both If I feel up to it. I then pop on a bedtime meditation to help me go to sleep.
COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR SUPPORT
Whether you are in a partnership or rely on Friends or Family it's so important to voice what’s going on for you. I once wrote down in 30 minute increments everything I did each day for a week and sat down one evening and showed it to Stu. I realized (and soon so did he) that all my time was on work, chores, house stuff and looking after Ellie. No playtime with Ellie, no down time for me and no time for us. We then did a weekly timetable so we each took the load equally. We talk as often as we can and I always voice as soon as I'm feeling overwhelmed or stressed. We still use this timetable all these years later; but now it's filled with school pick up and drop offs. But we always schedule in time to do something for ourselves. As women (and especially Mums) we are taught to just plough on, do everything and to never ask for help. If we don’t ask for what we need and show ourselves compassion, then what are we modeling to our children? Not to mention getting total burnout. As a Mum who also runs her own business I find it hard to know where to put my focus sometime too (I have a million ideas a day, so I need a way to rein myself in!) a fab book that find helps me when I get overwhelmed by it all is Do Less - By Kate Northrup . Its also a book that I recemend and have bought for friends and the team. If you are juggling work life and home life, this is a great way to find your way back to yourself, know where to aim your focus and be more productive with your time. Whilst yes…doing less!
LISTEN TO YOUR BODY & SCHEDULE SELF-CARE
Speaking from the other side of this, If you don’t listen to your body (or your emotions/feelings) then your body will make it known to you...in a very loud way.
My body literally made me bedridden to make me stop and see what I was doing. I can do anything, but I can't do everything. This is something I work on daily and still don’t always get right. But If you look at your week and prioritize and start with self-care, I promise you it will make a huge difference. Not just to you, but your family too.
You can't fill from an empty cup. Our cups are already brimming with just getting through this shit show of covid at the moment, so imagine that you empty the cup each time to do an act of self-care. It can then take more in and not overflow. Book in an activity daily for selfcare. Ask for this time (even If it's just 30 minutes or after the kids are in bed) and do something that brings you joy, relaxation and empties your cup. It could be a local yoga class, DLAM Dance Fit ;D, Dance Like a Mother, swimming (I took up open water swimming and love it! If you had told me 3 years ago I'd be swimming in cold, open water I would have laughed in your face!) or it might just be going and lying on the bed for 20 minutes. Not sure what to do? Try stuff? See what works!
TALK TO SOMEONE
Firstly you are not alone. You may have had mental health issues before having a baby, or maybe you didn’t. But the challenges that come with being a parent are so huge and can at times feel overwhelming. Please know that talking things through really can help. I mentioned Transactional Analysis earlier. I had it first when I was 28 and recently went back to it after a tough time a year ago. It looks at childhood and how we carry on with behaviors, thoughts and feelings that we had in childhood as a way to keep us safe, but basically as an adult are no longer working. Being able to just talk through how you feel, with someone who has no judgment or involvement is a huge help to relieve stress, anxiety and feelings of depression. We are all taught to speak to our GP if we are ill or go to the hospital If something happens, but there is a real stigma around getting help with our mental health. It amazes me how so many women will spend hundreds of pounds and many hours on hairdressers, nails, etc, but won’t invest that time or money on their mental health. I also know that it helped me navigate some tricky times with Ellie and also be able to reflect on myself and my childhood, so I wont make those same mistakes my parents did. Not saying I get it right all the time by the way! But I feel better for having that time to talk and go back to my family with a better perspective. I trained for 3 years as a Psychotherapist here; Manchester Institute for Psychotherapy in Chorlton. They also have low cost Therapy available for those on low income. You can find other therapists here: Counselling Directory - Find a Counsellor Near You (counselling-directory.org.uk) Our new Instructor Sophie has also put together a great recourse of places you can contact If you would like more support with your mental health. HERE
Okay so I'm going to sign off here (this blog was way longer than I anticipated!) and leave you with some quotes on how Dance & Movement have helped you.
“ I find that moving is one of the best things you can do for mental health. I love the Dance Fit Classes (even the squats & abs), as I'm so tuned into the awesome music that it always makes me feel great and gives me a boost. Even after a long day. The burn isn't that bad when you're singing and loving it!” - Jade
“ The classes have helped me both mentally and physically, feel more body confident and they have brought me so much joy, love and laughter" - Emma
“ I didn't realize how little I was doing for myself until I came to DLAM. As a first time Mum I was so overwhelmed and exhausted. I felt low and like I wasn’t me anymore. I just assumed it had to be this way. At times I never thought I'd feel joy again. But coming to DLAM and dancing to fun songs, laughing at how we all get the moves wrong and just being with other Mums who are going through the same stuff as me has helped me so much. I've started making time each week to do nice things for myself and take time out” - Holly
Take care of yourselves and know that we are always here for you,
Nikki xx