What are you making time for? International Women's Day
It's Friday the 5th of March 2021. Just 3 days away from International Women's Day. I don’t think there has been a year so far that women (in particular mothers) should be so highly celebrated. The house is silent. As silent as it's been for about 12 months. Mine and Stu’s days of “homeschooling” are over (big fucking fingers crossed!) and I can finally start to move more attention to what I need to be happy, healthy and the kind of mum, wife, friend, business owner and person I want to be.
This year's IWD theme is choose to challenge. Looking back over this year I have had more conversations, seen more campaigning and thought more than ever about the inequality that Women and Mothers face. A change is coming and I honestly don’t think it would have happened without Covid. It’s shone a massive light on inequality not just in the workplace but at home too.
Our part to play
I know I want to see a change in the world. The kind of change that means my daughter doesn’t go through some of the things that I have… sexual harassment, discrimination and a constant niggling doubt of never being good enough.
There has been a change from my mum’s generation to mine. Back in the 70’s and 80’s it was just taken that “men had affairs”, which also meant women were not to be trusted. Something I saw played out in my own family. That a pat on the bum by an office colleague was just a bit of “harmless fun” and gender pay gap….eh?
So yes we have come far, but not far enough. In a recent podcast with Brene Brown & Melinda Gates (Spotify – Brené with Melinda Gates on The Moment of Lift - Unlocking Us with Brené Brown | Podcast on Spotify) Melinda said that in America they wouldn’t see full gender equality for another 260 years!
So what's our part in all this? As women and mothers what can we do to choose to challenge?
It starts with us
Right now I feel like I'm at the end of a marathon (not that I have any desire to run that far) and I’ve hit a brick wall. Emotionally and physically I’m exhausted. This year taught me that in order to move forward and address the issues in my life I had to slow down and take better care of myself and it took for my body to tell me this for that to happen; it wasn’t subtle about it.
It has to start with us and what we are (or rather not) making time for. How often do we choose to do things for the benefit of the house, our kids, our partners, our families and our work ahead of ourselves? A lot, right?
When was the last time you sat and really thought about what you want? What you need? We have been taught as little girls and women to serve. To be well mannered, don’t speak up, don’t say how you feel and definitely don't put your needs before others.
But what If you started, just in small ways to put what you needed first? And I’m not talking about saying “fuck dinner!” as the kids starve while you drink wine in the garden. But could it be that by taking some time for you and your needs means that you could be a happier, healthier person and in turn be more present and engaged with those who need you? Wouldn’t that be nice?
I can see your wondering a) Err Nikki when the hell do I have time for that? and b) what has this got to do with gender equality?
The way we view and treat ourselves will set up how those around us view and treat us. Don’t want your 10 year old to treat you like you're in an episode of Downton Abbey (you live in the servants quarters by the way), then don’t be their servant.
Want your partner to take more accountability for the house and the kids, then say so (I hate to tell you this but they can’t read minds... as much as we want them to.) Because you deserve to be loved, respected by those that love you and most of all by yourself. No one is going to come and magically make life easier or happier. It's up to us. Sorry Cinderella but it's bullshit.
Gender equality and female empowerment can start with you. In your home. In the way to treat yourself and the boundaries you set and in the way you model it to your children, partners, family and friends. The more you practice at home the more you will feel it in other areas of your life. Take up space, say what you feel and own what you need.
So now how do we do this?
Lets get practical
This year I've read more books and listened to more podcasts than I ever have and it's helped me through this time and to live a happier life. Even though I've been busier than I've ever been. There have been two ways I've done this.
The reverse lie in - Thank you for ‘The Stork & I’ for giving it a name. Without realising I've been doing this for years and this last year it has been very clear that this is something I need to do daily to help me feel well. Okay weird concept for some of you but….go to bed early. It's likely children will wake in the night or/and get up at 5am. By not watching that second episode of the Queen's Gambit and heading up at 9pm, you can take time for yourself. I like to do a bit of yoga/stretching, journal, read and meditate before bed. Light some scented candles and slip on some cosy socks and it feels extra special. I can audibly hear some of you say “with wine right?”...why not.
Podcast through chores - Stu & I have a rota that means we take it in turn to cook dinner and do bedtime. What was once a bit of a chore making dinner, now feels like me time as I listen to podcasts or audio books. Or sometimes a DLAM Dance Fit playlist and have a boogie as I cook. Stu does the same (although I'm yet to catch him dancing in the kitchen...singing though yes!)
Let's get physical. Okay so this may seem like a shameless plug, but being active is the most effective way to relieve stress…fact. (Burnout book by Emily & Amelia Nagoski burnout (burnoutbook.net))
It can feel like a chore to start exercising at first, but it doesn’t need to. Not only will you feel healthier, but you will release endorphins and your body and mind will want to do it more. Find something you know you will enjoy. Not sure, try some different things and see what works for you. The more you enjoy it the more you will make it part of your weekly routine (we will get to routine).
Schedule this into your week first. Look at our day and work out when can I carve out an hour to do this and stick to it. All our classes come with recordings so you can do anyone that suits you, but you are probably more likely to stick to it If you come to the live class. Make that commitment to yourself and within a few weeks I promise you will be glad you did.
Routine. I am the kind of person who gets excited in Paperchase, so this may be more up my street than some of you, but hear me out. Routine is good for us and our kids. We naturally feel calmer and safer if we know what's coming next. Might be a big reason this last year has been a head fuck!
If you have a partner or support, sit down together and look at your current weekly routine. You might need to write it down at the end of each day and be honest with yourself. Did you spend an hour on social media today? Was that a good use of your time, does it make you feel happy? And see what you are really making time for. Then take some time to write down what you want to make time for. For yourself and together.
Can you create a routine that means you can fit one or two things in over the week? Now create boundaries. When I'm doing this thing I need you to do this. E.G On the night I do Yoga Beats I need you to do bedtime. In the mornings I get up with the kids I need you to put the washing in. It ain't sexy planning a week, but you know what you will start to feel happier, more energised and that your needs are being met.
So to round up, let's challenge each other to think about what we want, what change we want to see in our lives and in the world and be proactive in self care and getting our needs met and you never know we might just smash the patriarchy in the process!
Check out the link below…