International Fathers Mental Health Day - 2021

Running a marathon is hard. If you don’t get yourself in the absolute best shape then you are going to struggle, you won’t make it half way, let alone feel the elation of crossing that finish line. Becoming a dad is a lot like this. If you don’t prepare and get yourself in a good place then it can be a damn site harder than a marathon. Plus feeling that elation on the good days won’t come as easy, if you aren’t able to roll with the bad. 

I think of that preparation in 2 ways;

• Mental

• Physical

I’ll start with the physical.

I suppose by this I mean getting yourself ready for the lack of sleep, the tidying up, the cooking, the nappy changes…..you know…the fun stuff. This is the easy bit. If I could give new dads 1 piece of advice it would be to do as much of the above as possible, from the get go. If you support your other half with these things I promise you you will feel closer to her, feel like a team (and trust me you need to be a team when those terrible twos hit!) and she will feel supported and cared for. She's gone through a lot. 

The mental side is what I really want the post to be about though. Some of what I talk about here will be generalising, of course not all men have the same experience but over the years I’ve seen that an overwhelming majority do.

As boys we are quite often told or shown that males do not show their emotions. We need to be strong, (whatever that means). We need to be tough. No room for expression and certainly no room for crying or expression of emotion. I used to think that was a product of the time I grew up, (the 80’s), and that it was because my own father had been a post war baby that was taught to “be tough” and therefore not be emotional. However, I see those same patterns repeating now. So many times I’ve seen parents of boys when they are upset use the same nonsense from yesteryear. Telling sad boys that “there’s nothing wrong, stop crying” or “you need to toughen up” or worse still being told to “man up” just reinforces the notion that feelings are bad or are weak. With this comes repression that can manifest in anger, violence or mental health issues further down the line. 

As such we become adults that struggle to show emotion or even talk about them. Repressing anything never leads to a positive outcome. It will find a way out...and trust me it's never good.

So what do we do? 

Generally we become more insular with our thoughts and let negative self talk grow. The small things that we see that bother us we let stack up inside. Every opportunity to talk ends with the lie “honestly, nothing is wrong…I’m fine”. This continues until inevitably there is a blow up whether internal or external.

I don’t think we take seriously enough how damaging these things are on our mental health. To use the runners analogy from before. If a runner has a sprained ankle and continues to pound away, mile after mile do we think it will get better or worse? The only way they will get better is to seek treatment.

Our mental health is fluid, much like our physical health. No amount of denial or saying “I’m fine” fixes a broken leg in the same way it doesn’t fix you mentally. This is where I want to see more men exhibit REAL strength. By admitting you aren’t ok, talking to friends or seeking help. That is strength. That is toughness. Admitting you’re not perfect and understanding that it’s ok to ask for help is the first step to freedom.

I talk of this from experience.

I grew up in a family where feeling anything close to an emotion was met with being absolutely roasted to hell.  The “Baillie way” was to be thick skinned. We grew that thick skin by ripping each other ceaselessly. For example, I once got chilli seeds in my eyes as a 13 year old. You can imagine how painful that was. It was so bad that for a while I completely lost my vision and I was terrified. I received absolutely no sympathy when what I needed was to be told it was going to be ok and not to panic. What I got was told to belt up and then mocked for the next 29 years. There are many examples, this is just one.

Now for context my family are actually a well meaning bunch, they are all just broken in their own ways and didn’t realise how much it affected me. I think if they knew how sad I was; that I felt unloved when I was younger then they would have maybe been a bit kinder. As an adult I know they love me, (though they would never say it or show it) but as a kid I didn’t get that.

This all culminated in alcoholism and drug addiction throughout most of my 20’s. I had a constant and crushing need to be liked by everyone I met, almost as if that validation would make up for the fact that I didn’t feel loved by my family. I realised that when I was wasted people thought I was loads of fun. “Ok”, I thought, “let's take this up a notch”. So the drugs quickly followed the ludicrous amounts of booze I would imbibe. They lifted me to another level of fun. People liked me more. I was as popular as I’d ever been….more drugs, harder drugs, more booze.

The problem lay when I would come round the next day. My issues were still there, made many times worse by The Beer Fear. Then I would add on a thick layer of guilt as I was fast becoming a terrible partner for my better half. Add in money worries, (it was all going up my nose) and pretty soon the lows were pretty bad. This cycle continued for some time, the highs were higher, the lows were ever lower. Soon enough the lows turned to depression. My feelings of guilt gave way to apathy. Apathy gave way to worthlessness. Once that arrived I truly believed that the world would be better without me in it.

On more occasions than I care to think about, my mind would wander to taking my own life. I’d be driving along and suddenly wondered if I should swerve into oncoming traffic? Maybe if I park on the top floor of this car park I could jump, that wouldn’t be so bad would it? I’d be chopping vegetables and then realise I was holding the knife and looking at my wrists, daring myself to do it.

Outwardly my friends still only saw “Disco Stu” but inside I was completely hollow and didn’t know where to turn to. I was completely lost

Finally I broke down and opened up to my other half. That first step changed my life for ever. Nikki had been through her own struggles and fortunately found a talking therapy that worked for her. She convinced me to go and speak to someone at the Manchester Institute for Psychotherapy in Chorlton and try a therapy called Transactional Analysis. This effectively is the deeper cousin of CBT. Instead of looking at issues and finding coping mechanisms for them it looks to address the root causes of your issues and deal with them that way. This doubled with the theory that we all have mental health issues and that I was able to take ownership over them, helped me feel hopeful for the first time, in a long while.

I was introduced to a therapist called Meg. I wish I’d told her this but Meg saved my relationship and more importantly my life. I wouldn’t be here or have my amazing Daughter if it wasn’t for her. Thank You, Meg.x

To bring this back around to being a Dad I suppose my point is that without getting help and without talking to someone to address my own issues and fix my mental health I wouldn’t be the Dad I am today.

I could have quite easily been the same as my folks and used “The Baillie way” in the way that I parent. Fortunately I don’t. I wouldn’t want my daughter to feel as isolated as I felt growing up.

All of us could use therapy. I mean it. Every single person. We need to move away from thinking that talking to someone equals weakness. Wanting to improve yourself, wanting to be a better you. Wanting to be in the best mental shape to raise a child isn’t weakness….it’s strength.

We have the future in our hands with our kids. Let’s give them the best chance for a happy life, let’s deal with our own shit before we hang it like a millstone around their necks. We can be better for them.

Anyway, enough rambling. Being a Dad is awesome, treasure it; every hard moment and every great moment because they won’t be little forever and they need you. 

Stu.x

Here are some links that might be helpful for you. Finding the right person to talk to can take time, so If the first therapist you see isn’t quite right, please don’t write it off. Also asking for recommendations is a great way to find someone. 

Support for Dads (Pre and post baby): https://dadmatters.org.uk/

Find a Therapist near you: Information about counselling (bacp.co.uk)

The Manchester Institute for Psychotherapy: Manchester Institute for Psychotherapy and Counselling — Psychotherapy , Counselling and Supervision (mcpt.co.uk)

Mens Mental Health in Manchester: Andys Man Club | #ITSOKAYTOTALK |